Sunday, October 28, 2018

# 6 | 4 Steps to Beat the Blues

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Don’t you hate those days when everything seems to go wrong? Everyone rubs you the wrong way? You even get on your nerve, and you want to relax, turn on your show and binge. (Mine is re-watching Burn Notice on Amazon right now).

That’s the kind of Day I have had today. I always hate those days, when I look at myself and thing GOSH how did you let yourself become so overweight? Do you think anyone thinks you are beautiful? Do you think its wise to be placing pictures of yourself online, the flood doors will open and one day someone will hurt your feelings.

You know what I replied to myself? STOP IT! Girl we have been there and done that, get off your butt and exercise more or eat less, but I don’t have time for that self-bashing talk. There was a time in my life, where these thoughts were constant, all the negative in the world against me made me feel dirty being me.

Now, when I let the world seep into my heart, I tell myself to stop it. Stop thinking about the negatives and think about the positives. I am beautiful, but just because I am physically lovely, but because in me, I feel beautiful. In me, I control my world.

So what if I have never been less than a size 22 since I was 12? And who cares that I can only find cute shoes in Payless? Who cares if I waddle when I walk? Who cares?

See, I spent 8-9 years getting severely bullied as a child, in my adulthood those hateful things sometimes try to haunt me. I know that it will always be a part of my life now. And I have accepted and manage it.

Here is how you can too.

1.    Look at your reflection right now on your monitor or your phone and say “I am beautiful/handsome.” (I don’t care if you just woke up and you have crusty eyes, and look like you just had a dance competition with your bed sheets).

2.    The next person you see, point one good thing you love about their physical appearance today.

3.   Put on some tunes that pump you up.

4. Thank God that you are alive and not a rotting corpse, cause hey you could be.

For me, there are four aspects of fighting the demons that live in your head.  Ok, yes, there is probably someone out there thinking those things about you or someone else, don’t mind those fools. Haters will always hate. They probably have their very own demons to haunt them.

The first thing I learned, in my journey to love myself, for the first time as an adult, was to accept myself for who I was. Next, I learned that when I helped someone else felt loved and appreciated, I felt good about myself. Have a playlist ready to pump you up. And finally, there is someone out there facing many worst things than you are, don’t you ever forget that and remember to pray (or mediate).

I won’t lie, I did step 1 and 3 and thought well for me to able to do step 2, I will have to leave my house on this rainy Saturday night. Where did I end up? Wal-Mart!  I purchased some new cute clothes. Shop-therapy is a real thing. 😊 I saw a lady in the Plus size aisle and did let her know that she was beautiful.

When the world or your demons crawl inside your head and try to make you believe that you are nothing, that you are useless, ugly and unwanted, remember that it’s a lie. You are wanted, loved and adored. If by no one else, you are loved by me. You are an amazing person and should never feel less than that.

So, Miss Beautiful/Mr. Handsome, don’t forget to look in the mirror and remind yourself that you are gorgeous, don’t forget to show some love to someone else – even a random stranger – and most importantly, don’t forget to pray.

If you have time, check out this Youtube video & THIS one too. These are Christian Songs that helps me get out of those dark holes. Heck, if you have time... listen to that entire playlist.


This post was proofread by Grammarly

Tuesday, October 23, 2018

# 5 | Finding My Blog Path

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               I wanted to start a blog, and so I purchased a domain name and is hosted by GoDaddy. My husband is a web developer and will be building my site for me. I am currently doing research on what I want my blog to look like. But, I decided that I could not wait one more day! So I jumped on to Blogger and started to blog that very day. I am excited to have a blog that looks and feel like me.

               This week I have found myself thinking a lot about what I want this blog to be about. There are so many things that I enjoy and would love to share about. I know exactly the kind of content I want to share. I want to be personal and talk about various topics. I want to blog under the umbrella of wellness. This “wellness umbrella” for me holds self-love, also emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical health. These things are important to me, and I could talk about them all day.

               But what style should my blog be? In research, I found Suzi | Start A Mom Blog, where I took a questionnaire that answered that question for me. According to Suzy, there are six types of blogs: curation, teaching, lifestyle, niche, journey, guest. The test told me my blog style is Lifestyle followed by a strong possibility of Journey blogging.

            According to Suzy, a lifestyle blog contains:

1.      Topics can be a wide variety
2.    Firmly based on the writers’ experience
3.      Has lots of pictures
4.      Emotional
5.      Word range is 500 – 1000
6.      Post 1-2xs a week

She went on to say that a journey involves:

1.      Record life's changes (weight loss etc.)
2.      Helps to keep you accountable
3.      Lots of pictures
4.      Word range is 500 – 1000 (keywords: ‘“ how to” and “before and after”')
5.      Real and transparent about the good and the bad
6.      Post 1-2xs a week

This image is actually the result of the test I took. It really fits ME, and so I had to share it with you. So, I think I have found the styles I have will be writing about. I love to challenge myself, and that is the journey part. I also love my journey of wellness, and that fits the lifestyle part.
               If you are thinking about starting a blog or revamping your blog, I would suggest you look into Suzi’s site.  Thank you, Suzi, for sharing this with us.

This post was proofread by Grammarly

Saturday, October 20, 2018

# 4 | It's Never Too Late to Learn About Yourself

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On October 6 the president of my church asked for us to take a 10-day break from social media. As I had just started the blog, I did not even write anything to let you know. I am sorry about that. If this happens again, I will write a short message to let you know that I am just going to take a short break. I think it is essential for you to understand what is going on. I am an open book, and should not leave you in the dark. For that, I am genuinely sorry. I did think about what I want to do with my blog and did do lots of research on the next steps. I will be posting about some of this next post.

Nevertheless, I have been thinking about how much ten days away from social media has influenced my life. As someone that does not have many local friends, I do live on my Instagram. I check the feed any time I feel lonely or in need of a chat with my long distance friends. I love taking pictures of myself and enjoy sharing some of them with my Instagram family. I do check Facebook occasionally, but find that I am often comparing my life to those people. Like, I knew her when… look at her now! I do not like thinking that way. It is a way to put myself down, and the world does that to me enough as a Big Black Woman!  I do not visit my “personal” Facebook often at all. I do like seeing peoples progress too though. I feel like all my pre-k to12 friends have kids now! My husband and I are still trying to figure out what it means to be living day to day with each other, let alone kids!  We are working towards that.

I have created a new Facebook account for my new blog life – online presence. I look forward to making new friends and starting the new relationship with the people I met while blogging, and perhaps they will teach me not to compare with others life, and be happy with where I am. I would also love to get to reconnect to old friends. It is not that I am not satisfied with my life, but you know that old saying, the grass is always greener on someone else's lawn. It is not. We only see the good from our friends. I have zero issues sharing the bad and the ugly, as well as the good and the beautiful; I hope I will be able to help others see that your life is good, it is just different than others.

With my new found time these past few days, I found that I spent more time looking at my scriptures, listening to books, and even enjoyed more active time with my husband than I usually do. BONUS my house is also cleaner. I feel happy and have had plenty of time for self-reflection. I do not think I could have shared about the fact that I compare my life with others sometimes if I did not see how much happier I am without these kinds of thoughts. I need to turn my focus on just being glad that Kayla and Jennifer have new babies and everything else that others have accomplished. I also should be happy that I have lost 70+ pounds, and for the most part, I have kept it off. I have a supportive husband; I have a job that I learn from daily. I can be happy with others progress and not be selfish that it is not happening to me.

Stepping away from social media has taught me a lot. One, my priority is my husband, and home life. Second, making time each morning to do scripture study is a beautiful thing, I only would touch them on Sundays or when I needed direction. Third, be happy for others and let it just end there. “For this is the message that ye heard from the beginning, that we should love one another." – 1 John 3: 11. I can love you all, yet, I do not have to be like you.

If you are thinking about if life without heavy tech use is something you should try, I would say go ahead! Do it for three days, if it is not too much try it for seven days. Figure out what you need to focus on and then focus on it. For me, I learned that I need to give a bit more time to focus on my blog is important to me, more than I thought. I want to be a successful blogger and help others, and of course, learn from others. Thank you for being part of this experience with me.

This post was proofread by Grammarly

Thursday, October 4, 2018

# 3 | L E T S - Simple Daily Journal

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              In post #2, I mentioned that I had kept a journal for a few months this year, but had fallen off the wagon and stopped. At the time I started writing, I was in emotional turmoil because of some things in my life. I needed to plant my feet firmly on the ground and to learn to focus on myself. I decided that I could do this by gaining faith and love personally, through focusing on what is going on in my life daily.
I should pause here and mention that I suffer from anxiety attacks, and the what ifs of the future sometimes takes me on an over the top emotional trip. Thus, I found a way to force myself to focus on today. Tomorrow will come soon enough.

I purchased this journal in May. It is cute, and fits in my purse! I can carry it around ALL the time. At first, I was going to make it a gratitude journal HERE … but I have one of those already. Within a few days of writing in my new journal, I figured out the best way for me to journal about my day, document what I did, and look for reasons to have gratitude and list one thing I love about my husband, Alex.

As it often comes about, by writing to you about my journal 2 days ago, I found the drive to pick it up again and continue writing. Here are some pictures of my journal and an actual entry from yesterday. I have also made a PDF that you can print out and fill out. On the other hand, you can purchase the same journal HERE. However, any notebook or journal would work for this purpose.

I hope you take a minute or five to write about your day today.

This post was proofread by Grammarly

Tuesday, October 2, 2018

# 2 | Set Challenges

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                    Day 2/31 – I did ok. Perhaps I should spell out to you my goal for this month. Part of finding a better me is learning to focus on myself daily. Sometime this year, I saw the lack of self-care and kept a little journal, which I purchased from Amazon- I will look for it and share it here, in which I would list 5 things I did for myself for the day, 5 things I was grateful for, and 1 thing I admired about my husband. I would do this daily for like 2 months and then I stopped! I really need to get back on the train and get going again.

            I have fallen back to not “really” spending time for myself unless it was going to the gym, driving to work, working or eating. I am now counting these kinds of things as “activities of daily living” and so these do NOT count as taking care of myself. As part of my transformation, the ME I use to dream of being is to work on my physical appearance. So cute hair and some kind of makeup are my challenges this month. To keep me accountable for this challenge, I must post a picture on Instagram daily on #mizzpatricias, maybe here. Today I met my goal with just hair and lipstick - like yesterday. I need to do something different tomorrow.

            This might be silly for some people, but for me it is real! I ignore these things unless I want to take a new profile pic. That is just not good enough. I need to change myself for myself. I should be exactly who I want to be. It took me a LONG time to accept that I am a big girl. Then it took time for me to accept that I am beautiful even if I am a big girl. That I deserve everything that I want in life. Somewhere along the line, it became me being hardcore on the outside but still hiding on the inside. Fragile and shying away even from myself.

            I use to think that it was shallow or worldly to be a certain way; I do not think that is true. I think meeting your needs means a healthy, happy you. Heavenly Father most definitely meant for me to be happy in all things and in all ways… as long as I am not hurting anyone or buying so much that I add to the destruction of hurt… It is ok for me to want this. It’s OK for me to aim to become the goddess I was meant to be.

            I am at the point where its time to say goodbye to the thing holding me back, and that is me. Accepting “well I love myself, even if I don’t meet all my own needs”. No, that is not enough.  It has never been enough, and I will no longer stand for it. I do not want to wait for people to see the beauty within me, or put on a brave face for any reason. I want to be beautiful inside and out. I do not have time to put on a face; just being me is hard enough.

            What are you working on this month? Let me know in the comments.


This post was proofread by Grammarly

Monday, October 1, 2018

# 1 | New Beginnings

          August 5th this year I turned 31. It left me thinking about the many things that I have yet to do that I thought I would have achieved by now. I'd work home full time and take care of my little ones too. I'd no longer be morbidly obese, but a healthy thick and luscious woman. I'd always be well put together. I'd know the scriptures front to back and could lead my family in righteousness. I'd be a loving and supporting wife to my husband. I'd have a better relationship with my family of origin, especially my mother. 

Big beautiful woman,          Reality is much different. I am nowhere near having a house full of kids, I certainly do not work from home. This morning when I stepped on the scale I was 392.6 pounds, last Monday I was down to 381. I might not be on my death bed, but I am on 2 pills that when I do not take, I gain water like you could not believe, thus I am not healthy, but I thank Heavenly Father for the health I do have.

         I go to work and out any way I want... mostly a hot mess because I am too comfortable with the person I am. But, not the glam woman I see myself as each time I look at myself in the mirror. My husband recently reminded me, that I am far from my goal of understanding the scriptures, and the gospel of Jesus Christ. Though I would do anything for my husband, I am not exactly the pillar and foundation that I want to be for him. When I speak to my mom, it's like I am still a teenager, and we are not getting any closer.

          On my birthday, I decided that its time to start changing. And, that to do this change, I would have to explore, to find me and to open up to new possibilities. I created a new Instagram account #exploring_patricia - where I started the journey that has led me to here. I have started a blog before, and well ended it for various reasons - number 1 being depression. As someone that LOVES to talk, this is a good outlet for me, and why not? I am going to get on this journey of changing myself. I don't have a focus at this time for my blog, I will just use it as a journal for now.

#ssbbw2sbw #missbbwful #exploring_patricia          My first best friend in Minnesota is a sweet wonderful man named Joe. *** Happy birthday Querido***. He believed in me when I did not believe in myself. He said to him, I am like a Barboletta (butterfly), and so that's the nickname he gave me. I think it's so funny that often I think about that, how even though I met him when I was 26, I was really like a caterpillar, still changing and trying to find me, with no future in sight. But, because he believed in me, I had something that helped me shape into the woman I am today. Right now, I feel like an emerged moth, still moving toward my final transformation into the gracious butterfly, that Joe has always seen in me. 

          I am starting off by challenging myself to be "pretty" every single day of October, even at home. I have never been one to wear wigs, but I purchased 3, and I am looking forward to wearing them as part of the challenge. I hope I can be brave enough to wear one to work... Who knows?

          The day has finally come, it's time for the world, most especially for me, to see Mizz Patricia's Evolution into a Butterfly. No more will I want and wonder when my dreams like come true. It's time right now. I hope that this journey is just the beginning of many. I look forward to looking at myself a year from now, to see how the transformation will change me. I hope to make a lot of new friends, and perhaps inspire other moths to take charge of their lives, and also become a breathtaking butterfly, whatever that means in their eyes.

Instagram: #mizzpatricias

This post was proofread by Grammarly